if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
