Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
