I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
