im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
