Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
