Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
