and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
