His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
