just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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