Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Randomize
