After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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