My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
