Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
