Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
