i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just blew my weed a kiss
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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