summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My vagina is officially offended.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
