mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
