I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
