Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
