I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize