i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
