I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
