I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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