everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
