I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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