The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
