Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
