just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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