I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
