Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
