I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
