barbara walters just said penis...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
