i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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