Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize