with your own penis?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
