I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
