I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize