I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
