Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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