and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
