It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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