My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How does it feel to date your dad?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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