I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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