She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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