Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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