I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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