Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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