i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
COCAINE IS GR8
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
