I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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