There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
