he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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