Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
