I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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