Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
