So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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