also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
