yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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