Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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