Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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