I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
