awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
