why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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