Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize