I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
