I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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